Woot for Winter

It's December. I am still jobless. However, Nathan, Sir Fatticus, returned to me today after being gone for nearly a month. He sounds congested, and has lost a lot of weight, but he's home. He's curled in a squishy gray ball on my bed right now and it gives me a much needed sense of peace. I wonder how hard it must have been for him out there. How cold he was, lonely, hungry? When I first grabbed him off the front steps, he kept trying to get back outside. But then I gave him the cuddle of the century and he found a spot to sleep all cozy in. I think he realized what he had been missing. I haven't been able to get him to eat much. I find it strangely coincidental, (or fated completely) that I decided to put a new doorknob on the front door day. What's even more odd, is that I only did this because our malfunctioning doorknob had it's last malfunction and locked me INSIDE the house. The only way to get out was to remove the old one and install the new knob that had been lying in wait for months. Nathan ran right up to the screen door, as if he were waiting to see a familiar face, and the door open long enough to get inside. I just don't think it was completely random. I believe in stuff. I know this entry is super boring, but deal.

I feel a tad more hopeful than the last few entries in here, so that's an improvement. I am *waiting* for a phone call from my recruiter telling me when to interview with these JK Moving and Storage people. So far, nothing still. I did temp work all last week, but I'm getting antsy. I was really hoping to have something locked and loaded before the new year begins. I don't like New Years's Eve. It's a stupid holiday that disappoints me everytime. I really don't want to begin the New Year....Alone, drunk (which leads to thinking about how I'm still alone), jobless and broke.

Here's hoping the last 2 weeks of December are full of holiday miracles! ha. right



<3

TICK TOCK

I can't sleep. It's 1:37 am, and I am sleepless here AGAIN. Tomorrow I have temp work as a personal contractor doing data entry. It pays really well, and it's the first "job" I have had in almost a month. I suppose I am excited about working. It's silly, but I am so looking forward to serving a purpose, no matter how banal the task may seem. Funnily enough, I am watching an old episode of The Twilight Zone which I have seen before about a woman who dreams things that come true. My neck and back started hurting again on if Saturday night, the same pain like I just got in the accident and have whiplash. It's terribly frustrating. Also, I'm pretty positive I have Restless Leg Syndrome. It doesn't feel like pin and needles like most people do, but I can't stop moving my legs. I feel the urge to keep kicking them when I lay down, and tap/kick when I sit. It has gotten much worse lately. People have been complaining about how annoying my leg kicks have always been, but I've never seemed to have a problem with my legs at night until now. I had so much fun last night. I sang on stage for the first time ever, something I have been aching to do for YEARS. It felt so good to do something I have always wanted to, but didn't for fear of sounding terrible. Last night, I didn't seem to notice and no one seemed to care. Also, a week or two ago I dreamt I could fly. It was amazing. I'm not sure if it was brought upon by recent episodes of West flying in Heroes or what. Although, Peter Petrelli and his brother both flew last season and I didn't dream it then. I have wanted to fly in my dreams for so long and have been completely unable to do it. I have never felt in control when I would attempt to fly before. I would go swinging through the air, as if swept up in a hurricane. In this dream, I only felt as if the speed was too much and I might lose control for a minute. It was a very uplifting and empowering dream.

Flying
To dream that you are flying, signifies a sense of freedom where you had initially felt restricted and limited.

I want this year to be OVER.

I honestly don't know how much more I can take. Anyone who knows me, knows the crap I have been put through in the past year/ year and a half. I know everyone has bad times, of course. I just feel like this has been the absolute worst year for me. There have been so many changes, obstacles, tests of the human spirit....I didn't realize a person would be thrown so much in such a short time. Another one of our cats ran away sometime on Monday. We realized he was gone last night. He hides a lot, so it wasn't all that strange we hadn't seen him in awhile. He was my Sir Fatticus, real name Nathan. I feel awful because when I last saw him Monday afternoon, he was on my bed, rubbing on me as I grabbed my purse , and I shooed him away because I was in a hurry. Now I feel like absolute crap. Addy ran away when I was in Ohio last month, and now Nathan. I am so sick of everything. I feel like an utter failure sometimes. A COMPLETELY MISERABLE FAILURE OF A PERSON. I am 25 years old, I have nothing to show for my life, no job, no house, no real possessions (things worth something significant), no significant other, no headway towards my dream, no leads. I could go on and ON. I am NOT at ALL superficial, I just mean, things that appreciate in value, or look good on a credit report. I feel as if I ruin everything, or make things worse. I constantly make mistakes. I know it's silly because no one is perfect, but it just seems like I can't get anything right. I am wrong about everything. I think I am good at reading people, and then I find out I'm SO VERY WRONG. I think something good will finally come of my attempts at being a kind person, I am mistaken. I think I know someone, they turn out to be the complete opposite. My mother and I have been fighting constantly because she is terrified I will make the same mistakes in life that she did. I feel as if she is treating me like a child, and taking out her frustrations on me, so we constantly bicker. Today we got into a screaming match because we were both upset about Nathan being gone. It was awful. I just burst into tears, going into a panic attack. Finally my mother comes back to my room, tears in her eyes telling me how awful it is for her to watch me go through this. She sees how hard this year has been for me and how I can't seem to catch a FUCKING BREAK. I am literally pulling my own hair and sobbing about what a failure I am. When's it gonna get good again? Don't I deserve something better by now? Haven't I proved that I am a good person, even when treated badly? If I get one more kick while I'm down, I give up.

Forgotten for the Last TIME

I am love's fool

A joke
I play it on myself

Like a screenplay
I write the lines, create the characters
With the best attributes, the best intentions
Ignoring the ugly and cold
I read my script, memorizing my part
The leading men don't come to rehearsal
They play their roles for the audience, and leave me cold backstage

I've decided I don't like role play
I refuse to be a pawn
I've done this to myself
So now I can end it
No more sweet words, kind gestures, time or faith
I'm done
They can't hurt me if I don't allow them in
This actress has officially retired
So long, stagelights
Your glitter has faded and all that is left is a dark theatre
And a forgotten girl, who wanted to play the heroine

I refuse to be that girl ever again
I am now a woman, accepting her fate, and forgetting them, before they can do it to me

Missing A Stranger

Missing something I never had
Don’t know why that makes me sad
I never knew you at all
Still makes me want to fall
Knowing we will never be
Knowing you don’t ever want me
Signs I saw them everywhere
Got signals from your haunting stare
I suppose it was just a dream
Things aren’t better than they seem
They are the same as yesterday
Your memory won’t fade away

Jesus Saves?

So, today I went to Fair Oaks Mall, hungover and unhappy. I didn't even want to go, but I had to return something to get money back. Anyway, after I was finished and walking the mall, sullenly, I was stopped by a 20-something girl and guy. The girl said she and her friend were conducting a survey. Well, the chick was lying. Instead Rebecca, and her friend Aaron were accosting me, and holding me hostage with Jesus guilt in broad daylight. I know most people would walk away, say, "No thank you" or whatever, but alas, I am too nice. When she said it was a survey, I felt bad for her, knowing how hard it must be to get people to fill it out, so I was willing to spend a few minutes doing so. Instead, she was reading Bible Passages to me in the MIDDLE OF THE MALL by the Starbucks Stand. WTF. She even asked me to read one aloud, and I obliged. Why am I so nice? Furthermore, why in the world do I think that I should be the person to restore people's faith in humanity after everyone else is rude? She just kept talking, asking me questions that were simple, but because I was caught off-guard, it felt like a pop quiz. Her "friend" Aaron just stood there, almost as if her were her little puppet. He seemed to be like some sort-of sidekick. He never spoke, just smiling and laughing when she would make her cheesy jokes. It was as of he were her slave in righteousness. He was even half-way cute. She kept asking if I wanted to "meet and study" more, so to be polite, I asked for her number. She pulled the "lemme call you right now thing" that douchey guys have started doing so they know you aren't giving them a fake. So of course, she calls me right there, and I'm thinking "Oh shit". The last thing I need is some chick obsessed with "spreading God's love" calling me all the time. Aaron tells me that I look familiar. She asks me where I live and I tell her Burke, to which she and her semi-cute puppet Aaron squeal with glee. They live in Burke too! Where, pray-tell in Burke do I live? By the Walmart?! Us too! Yeah right. I'm so sure Aaron recognizes me from the Burke area. I look like everyone else. There is nothing unique or special about me. I walked out to my car after the annoying long detour to Jehovah-land. I get into my car and for no reason I can fathom, I begin to cry. Hard cries, sobbing even. I am utterly shocked by this reaction, but can't stop myself. As I am weeping there, alone and confused, I wonder...
Did God send these two people to me? Did he see that I feel utterly lost, alone and worthless? Then the smarter part of me realizes that it's bullshit. These people saw a girl, clearly solemn-faced, because of my hungover condition and lack of anything to be happy about at that moment, and they used it to their advantage.

Look, don't get me wrong here. I believe in a Higher Power. This was actually a discussion I had with Diane 2 days ago. I believe in God, Jesus, all that. This girl was explaining to me that the Bible had already played out 98%. That means the last 2%, Revelations, we in fact are living right now. Well forgive me, Rebecca, but some days I don't care. Some days I really don't think I would mind so much the world coming to a close, if it's meant to be. My life isn't particularly spectacular these days anyway, and frankly, I don't believe I am going to Hell. Some days I'm not even sure there is one. The Bible is so contradictory. If we are all God's children why would he wish for some of us to burn for all eternity? I just can't imagine an All-Loving God doing something like that.

I really don't know why I was crying the whole way home. The only thing I could think of that made any sense was the fact that I had no one to tell this stupid story to. It was so ridiculous. And it was so something that only happens to me. I get myself into the strangest and silliest situations. Such funny, random occurrences! When I want to share it with someone, I realize there is no "Someone". It reminds me of this line from the movie "Catch and Release".

The main girl says to this other guy (does it really matter who?)
"You must be lonely. Who do you tell your stories to?"- Chick
"I guess I keep them to myself."- Dude

It made me so sad to hear that. When I realized I could relate, it made me even more sad.
Sometimes I wonder what is worse, not having anyone to tell my stories to, or wanting to tell them to someone who doesn't care.

Sometimes I get so angry with myself. Why can't I just be a bitch? Why can't I just have said, "Well, Rebecca and Aaron, if this IS the end of the world, I would rather not waste any more of my precious minutes reading Bible verse in a public place." I wish I had more discipline. I frustrate myself to no end.

Ah, well. I suppose it's just one of those EMO days. Here's hoping tomorrow will be much better.

"Is there no way out of the mind?" -Sylvia Plath

I have been spending a lot of time at home since I have been jobless. This past week has been the absolute worst. I cannot be left alone with my own thoughts too long. I am driving myself mad. I sincerely wish I could be someone who didn't care about things, or people, or anything at all. I know it sounds wrong, but if anyone could really see in my mind, and calculate how much time I spend obsessing over things I care about, but shouldn't, they would probably curl into a ball and die.
I remember something I wrote 2 years ago...
"They say my cold hands mean that I have a warm heart, But I often find I would gladly trade one for the other."

What's so frustrating about all of this is my over-awareness of the problem, and my absolute inability to discontinue the mind-numbing behavior.

I love this picture. It's the famous photo called "The Kiss". It's from V-J Day. I want someone to kiss me like that!




---------------------So Many 3am's I've Spent-----------------------

So many 3 am's I’ve spent
Eyes wide open
Neck and wrists so bent
Over these keyboards and papers
With pens and letters
Writing about how much I miss together
Without you
Without me
Don’t know how I could ever be
Someone to anyone at all
The tiniest of them all
I cry out loud
In muted tones
They read my eyes
They hear my moans
Yet hiding them I’ll ever be
It really comes so easily
One day I will be so very free
Cut loose these chains inside of me
Right now I break at every word
Every bend in the road, every turn
Scares me so
Give up before I’ve lost
Before I’ve begun
Can’t even start when I should be done
Oh, everyone is just like me
Sobbing there so silently
Somehow I think I matter still
When the moon dips, crescent-like behind the hill
I see the stars, I make a chart
I leave the key inside my heart
We’re all the same, so I don’t know why
I think I’m the only one with a map to the sky

I Hate Amy Grant

I can't believe it's November already. Where has the time gone? Soon it will be 2008! That number doesn't even seem real. I think I rocked my interview yesterday. I was very confident and not at all nervous. I got along well with both Assistant Managers. Kathi (the one who got me the interview) said she could hear us laughing the whole time. She mentioned that none of the other interviews had any laughing, and the laughing was a good thing because the managers like to laugh. So now, I sit here and wait some more.

UGH. Patience is a virtue, patience is a virtue.

November makes me remember..................

It feels like you are dead. I don't even know you anymore.


Our oldest cat Addy is still gone. I don't think she is ever coming back.

I really hope I get the job at NADART. It felt perfect when I walked in there. I need something useful to do with my time before I go crazy. I was in the bookstore the other day and noticed that Amy Grant stole my effing book title. "Mosaic". GRR. Stupid Amy Grant and her sugary 90's pop hits. I bet you she doesn't even know what the word means. She probably had a ghostwriter for the book. And I bet it's boring. No offense Amy, but "Every heartbeat BELONGS TO YOU". Gross. I liked it when I was like 12. Now, um, NO.

PS- I seriously doubt you did anything all while churning out cookie-cutter pop hits that is of any interest to me. People don't want to read about your boring-ass life. I will have my breakfast with a side of BITTER please. (haha..Toni, still my favorite line ever). Now I am going to have "Baby, baby, I'm taken with the notion...to love you with the sweetest of devotion" stuck in my head all day. OH SOMEONE...shoot me.

Why the crap do I keep waking up at 6am when I have nothing to wake up for?!





Wow, super AWESOME! I want her striped outfit man! I'm sure this polka-dotted musical genius has some wild tales of debauchery in her book! Her giant blue button-down shirt and handful of daisies scream that she has lived hardship and come out the other side to tell about it. Does anyone else notice that she bears a stricking resemblance to Violet Beauregarde after she blows up like a blueberry when she outstretches her arms like that?




This will most likely be THE WORST BOOK EVER. And because she stole my book title, I officially hate Amy Grant.

Mommy Notes

My Mom has this thing she does....she writes me letters. My mother can't say she is sorry very often. I suppose this is where I get it from. We are both so damn stubborn, we can't admit we are wrong. It's easier for us to write things down. You can lay the truth out, bare and raw, but keep some dignity. Not only does my mother write me letters if we have argued and she is wrong, but she often leaves notes on my pillow for me to find upon returning home. I have often had a good cry, a drunken night, and then tears on my pillow. The only solace will be my mother's words of hope. Here is something she left me in August, when I was terrified of the future. The Bells were about to leave, I felt lost, alone and much like a failure. Then these words-----

I am making a bulletin board on life's journey and thought of you when I saw these quotes. You are amazing, and will have an amazing life! Love, Mom.


"As I walk, As I Walk, The universe is walking with me"- Navajo

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are"- e.e. cummings (a fav of mine)

"The beginning is always today"- Mary Wollstonecraft

"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning"- Louis L'Amour

"Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase"- Martin Luther King

"The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning"- George Baker

I wrote this after finding the note on my pillow.....

*I came home after being with my friends
Drinking, not thinking
I found this note from you
You give me my balance
Reminding me where I came from
I thank you for that
Thank you Mommy
Thank you for being my rock


-----I thought maybe some of you could appreciate these quotes too. Sometimes nothing makes any sense at all. But then someone remembers you out of nowhere, or you get a phone call, or read some words that give you hope.

Tonight Tonight..First POST!

I’ve noticed that the days go by quick and slow
Quick and slow
You know what I mean
Quick in the sense that the day is gone, and you can’t see a thing that you did that made any difference at all
Slow in the fact that you keep watching the clock, hoping that in the next hour something will happen
I keep waiting, keep waiting
Oh, what am I waiting for?
Cool, calm, collected?
Tall and gorgeous face?
Oh, one to save me
Save me from myself?
Some cruel joke I must be playing on myself
Waiting, anticipating
Why not just let the breeze flow, the leaves fall, the snow melt, the sun shine, the flowers grow
And why not just let me be? Be me.....